Super Bowl Spectacle

I’d rather be fishing, but I’ll watch the Super Bowl.

At some point today dopey characters, hopelessly addicted to Doritos, will let others down by crunching their way to everyone’s demise.

A scantily clad person will emerge from the ocean with an intense yet empty look, advertising a fragrance that requires an ocean to wash off. Or that stays fragrant even after a swim? Or hits the noses of others like a winter swell crashing on the shore?

But it’s all part of the experience on a day in which American consumerism is on full display. As with other holidays or events, we’ve taken the liberty to pivot from, or completely divorce, the real meaning into a social phenomenon. And that’s not always such a bad thing.

There are more important things to pay attention to, yes. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the spectacle and plan to have a great time.

The perfect Super Bowl will start with a classic, enthusiastic National Anthem. Supporting the National Anthem and loving this country does not mean you support the human failings of its citizens.

The perfect Super Bowl will feature enough big plays to keep things exciting but enough defense to make it look difficult; 14-10 at the half, 31-27 final.

A great Super Bowl is back and forth and there are moments when absolute chaos erupts. One of the worst Super Bowls was in 2001 when the Baltimore Ravens were too dominant in their win over the New York Giants, and I hate the Giants. However, it did have riveting chaos in the third quarter when three touchdowns were scored on three plays: a pick-6 followed by back-to-back kick off returns for touchdowns. Then the game returned to a grinding bore.

A great Super Bowl is enjoyed with a main like burgers, tacos or venison roast, a side of chicken wings, shrimp and veggies for balance. Not a pre-assembled tray, select the right vegetables for what you’ve got on the menu.

There must also be dip. Not 7-layer dip because it doesn’t truly commit. It does nothing well. It’s better to have two, 3-layer dips or a thick 5-layer dip. Or just make nachos.

And of course, there are commercials.

I am beyond tired with the self-absorption of smug celebrities who never waste an opportunity to put themselves in front of the camera to service their egos. So when some participate in ridiculous maybe even self-deprecating spots, it’s entertaining again.

Commercials have become underwhelming caricatures of themselves that reflect the disposable consumerism in which we live, sure. What used to be about the best idea, crafted into a pitch has been replaced with mindless slop, yep. Companies no longer dignify or advertise the quality of their product or company, it’s merely about attempting to make something so over-the-top it might go viral. Spot on.

When I was in high school there were ads about fights being started over Pepsi and Coke and in one Field of Dreams spoof in 1995, a son offered his dad an off-brand soda and his dad walked back into the cornfields. That’s what’s missing, the “messed up, but funny” element, though social shifts are probably a good idea. Even in Super Bowl commercials.

Halftime is the best time to refill the plate or run to the store. If it’s a classic band, it won’t be a classic performance. If it’s a young artist it will surely solidify why half the audience stopped listening to new music a generation ago. If it’s a 7-layer dip of multiple artists, it’ll be underwhelming in its own unique way.

But maybe not! That’s why we watch.